Brains on mush

My brain has pretty much turned to mush the last few months. I forgot a good friend's birthday last week and felt extremely guilty about it. She doesn't seem to be bothered about it, but I am. I even have a list of important birthdays and forgot to check the list. It dawned on me I'd probably forgotten other birthdays so called another friend who'd had a recent birthday to apologize and she laughed and told me I'd sent a card and enclosed some cute magnets in the card in the shape of her initials. I'd forgotten I sent it. I showed up for a Census group meeting yesterday only to discover I was the only one there. I called the Crew Leader who reminded me she had moved the meeting back an hour. Then I remembered the day before as I left our meeting I said "See everyone tomorrow at 2." Cannot remember things from literally one minute to the next.

At first I was seriously concerned that perhaps I was totally losing it. But I'm wondering if it's more that I've been under so much stress the last two and a half years my brain is just trying to shut me down for a bit. Someone about a year ago said in passing I should enjoy my time off. Seriously?? When I have no health insurance, no steady income, a mortgage and bills that have to be paid every month, and the unending pressure to find a job? Sure - piece of cake, think I'll take a vacation. There's a myriad of other things as well. For instance - I'm now living way below poverty level and qualify for low-income health care from a local hospital. Please don't get me wrong - I'm extremely grateful for it, but at the same time I feel ashamed as well. I've always been able to take care of myself, no matter the situation, and it seems I'm losing that option.

So, losing my mind is maybe only a response to losing my options. I guess I'll just start carrying sticky notes with me at all times so I can write things down, and hopefully at some point I'll find a job and my brain will start functioning again. At least the memory part. Thanks for putting up with my whining. And please let me know in advance if your birthday is coming up so I don't embarrass myself even more....